Archive for November, 2007

among clouds part II

The day when it finally dawned on me that my life was now irrevocably and permanently changed was sometime on the end of October when I walked out of the Glasgow School of Art Library on Renfrew Street at 5 in the evening, walked out to a dark sky and an incredibly cold evening.

That night we worked through the night, me and Pui San, delving into the life of Gordon Matta Clark, the short-lived artist of the American 70s that left a momentous impact on the art world, exaggerated no less by the circumstances of his unlikely demise. I filtered in and out of a lack of concentration, a lack of focus, and a general sluggishness in getting work done. I wouldn’t say I believed in the total and absolute power to shape your own destiny, but I believed – wholeheartedly – that good decisions was determined by your desires and that, with ample clarity of your wants and your wishes – whatever you decide would be right, that logic and rationale should serve almost as secondary concerns. Yet as I read about how Gordon fried photographs in oil and smoked every kind of substance to attain a higher artistic consciousness in the almost obsessive passion these people give to their work (and probably accelerated his cancer, the cause of his death) – it seems that worth was important – the worth of your wishes against….. everything else.

On that cold autumn evening, the blustery wind twirled fallen leaves into intricate swirls of patterns all around me and down into Sauchiehall Street; and all of a sudden, as if the imminent coming of short days and long nights triggered a delayed reaction that had so far been elusive –all intrinsic attempts of maintaining a pseudo-Malaysian lifestyle drifted away, not unlike the fallen leaves of summer. Of the past. Gone, like the sudden nonexistence of wind when you step indoors; and in the wholeness of the ensuing silence- a very acute, distilled sense of knowing now is the time. Now is the time to act, to finally act on the plans I have set in motion so many years ago. Yet something is making me hesitate, as if I have thought about it so long, far too long, that it has almost become an ideal, banished forever to the land of make believe, too distant, too hard a target to achieve now. My feet are immobile; stuck in real time and in spirit –awed at the prospect of the promised challenge against both winds; both so alien to me. I shivered, threw my hood up and my head down, stuck my hands deep into my pockets, took a deep breath, and then I took a step. And another……


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among clouds part I

I looked at my face in the mirror today and saw white hairs staring back at me.

Not just white hair, but white hairs.

I’m older, now (besides the obvious question of age)……somewhere along an unknown journey.. I’ve lost that final, tiny part that held on against the weariness that now pervades me. Did i leave it in KL, during the anti-climatic farewell, exhausted from the last days of packing, partying and reminiscing? Did i leave it in Dubai, when i was wandering the terminals wondering what would it be like to be a real-life Viktor Navorski, sitting down on cold steel benches bone-tired and bored, imagining the months and years ahead, knowing exactly what i want but am not sure, am never sure of which path to take; the choice of the path determines to whom do i owe my loyalty- to society, my family and friends or to myself? I’ve always advised for the latter, parallel to Ayn Rand’s objectivism-part of the reason the book resonated with me so much- that man lives for man alone… but sometimes I’m not sure of my own convictions that i so confidently proclaim to people.

When did i became so weary with matters involving feelings anyway? three years ago? two years? last year? I’m so sick of the endless and revolving machinations involved.. so sick of the rituals and the processes and the immortalized but cheap gestures of storybook romances and fairytale endings… of the bickering and then the inevitable self-destructive cycles of friendships that get too intense: some hedgehog’s dilemmas for you huh… too close and you prick each other with vindictive spines, too far apart and both feels the abject loneliness of being unable to share the troubles on the mind… the whole bundle of fringe emotions that come packaged along with the mess civilization has made of relationships between human beings. Both positive and negative energy is infectious; each feeds off and builds off each other… losing oneself inside a ephemeral shell of transient happiness against tumbling freewheel down a slope of anger and frustration and jealousy and envy and selfishness and greed and…..And the resulting reaction – chancing future risks or closing yourself up?

I tell people to be realistic, that i think that the possibilities of the human heart depend on its capability to reason, and that realization of fantasy is dependent on foundation blocks of pragmatism… not to be given to flights of fancy, but to have clear expectations based upon fact and not fiction.. but i myself am guilty of endless daydreaming….. dreaming…. endless dreaming…………

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i love these comics



they’re my accompaniment for long studio nights!

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die model die

oo well i’ve just made my first model since june and i have to say my model skills have degraded and are worse compared to the already deplorable state they were 5 months ago. i fucking hate making models… damnnn!!! especially complicated ones. models are just pain in the asses.

the pace is finally picking up..really fast.. guess i’ll have to say bye to clan macgregor, taurus/white lightning (good riddance(s)), stella artois, 1664, carling, rick’s homemade stuff, midori, cointreau, etc etc…………………

erm, maybe not.

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What goes around comes around

To our favourite character in Taylor’s architecture program: I have found your alter ego. He lives in my flat.

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The Kitchen

The evening i witnessed Pavel and Vaclav trying to cook spaghetti with milk i should have realized they were slightly culinary nutcases. Today Pavel has brought it to a whole new level with his “soup”, which consists of leftover baked chicken, carrots, onions, rice (does that make it porridge??), pasta, and about 10 different kind of spices from all over the world. I am writing this in advance before i try it just in case i am unable to afterwards.

Apart from that,malaysian styled cuisine has infected the multiracial kitchen of flat 15-c. We have Pavel making his “rice experiments” and boiling soup and Alex (also) frying rice and deep-frying chicken pieces and spamming my spices into whatever he cooks. Rick, Marric and Seoridh uses my sauces with random things and random ways, with Marric taking the cake with his “oats with sweet soy sauce and sweet chilli sauce”.

Just in case, i will stock up on toilet rolls.

EDIT: the soup actually tastes kinda ok. Must be all the spices.

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I hardly live up to the reputation of a manically busy, sleep-deprived architecture student, at least not over the past week. I spent the entirety of the week sleeping soundly and more then necessary, playing basketball, some (light) drinking, and not going to classes. Reason? None. Whatsoever. Over the weekend i slept 30 hours :D I was sick, feeling rather unwell, no specific illness but still – 30 hours? hah.

These “breaks” come each and every semester, and my acceptance of this habit is characterized by a complete lack of astonishment by their appearance. It’s bound to happen, might as well happen now, eh? It’s just over the mid-semester mark, so I’d like to see this as a temporary breather before i stock up on instant food and take out my coffee mug.

I’m done with The Fountainhead. With the (great) benefit of hindsight, it’s just too easy to clarify Rand’s philosophical roots.. My only comment is that what she says is highly relevant in the context of her life, but Objectivism has given us a fair share of problems in contemporary society……goes to show that there’s always people that fuck things up, no matter how utopian the circumstances were. It’s like, the law of entropy or something. Anyway, i refuse to side either with her supporters or her critics; you could debate yourself silly on certain issues and still find no resolution. It’s like masturbation; all you get is temporary (self) satisfaction. If any. I don’t have anything smart to say about it anyway, so i wouldn’t bother.

To make things clear though, i did like the book. Everyone should go read it.

As for other updates, the weather is becoming rather erratic, though easily classified – either bearably cold or unbearably cold. I went to Dublin last week and spent 45 minutes in the awesome building that is the Trinity College’s library; say what you will, but modernism does has its benefits. Actually, I’m not sure if the building could be classified thus, but i don’t really care……….

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