Archive for June, 2007

have a lot of things on my mind……… which means i won’t be able to write anything worth reading until i clear them up.


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I’ve finished my portfolio, did ya think i’d still be hanging around the computer to blog? muahahaha..

my bed times are from 9am-5pm. and “dinner” is usually the only proper meal of the day. That’s so bad. I havent received ANY sunlight for days. except when i am going to bed. When i hear birds chirping i usually tell myself :ok.. that’s about it for the day.. time to pack up and rest…

In an attempt to constantly imbibe bacardi and dewar’s alternately while being bored out of my skull because my knee is still preventing me to do normal  things i discovered that both really sucks ( i used to really like barcardi becos it cost 30 bucks in duy free shops……)  and wtf was rum jungle and poppy both playing beyond? beyond? BEYOND as in hai kuo tian kong? whahahahahahahaha… weirdest night ever.

or maybe i’ve just haven’t been out for too long.

i actually wanted to write something deeper, but i couldn’t be bothered to think….not now


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I don’t know what to write about. Endless things are running through my head, but it’s not something i just pick up and splash here at random. I don’t really have time to spend time thinking about writing and spending the time writing, and it sucks because i really do miss it. (free time i mean)

I’ll be spending the next few weeks living partially in Sungai Buloh involved in some really interesting (i repeat, REALLY INTERESTING) project for a really cool organization. (really!)  Partially because i will come back often (like every night) because i think i will miss civilization. I also think living in a house with 5 guys will be bad for my liver because i intend to finish all my leftover alcohol (quite alot) before i leave for Scotland. We went there today to check out the place and look for accomodation – it was all pretty cool – and also to have lunch at Pn Nor’s house. You know you’re in Malaysia when your lecturer parks six horses, a bunch of ostriches, some deer, and rabbits alongside a CRV, a mercedes and a storm. We also saw an ostrich shit. I think i’m pretty traumatised.

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Now they’ve gone and made a film.


My mom should watch that.

While everyone’s enjoying their holidays, i’m still hard at work at my portfolio – and i’ve explained at least 10 times- it’s because i’ve lost most of my studio 2 work when i got so pissed at my work a year ago and upon reaching home i immediately dumped it into the darkest depths of my storeroom and forgot about it thereafter. Last month, i went to dig it out under the mountain of junk and crap and discovered that both models are mangled beyond recognition.

its not that i’m too free its not that i have too much money its not that i’m kiasu its not that i have nothing to do its because i DON’T have any work to show!!!

and yes i did not take much photos because as i said i was incredibly sick of my work. Frankly if you ask me i would reply yes, i am actually pleased that my models are mangled so i’ll have to redo them, but the definitive point is – it’s gone. Irrespective of my wishes and intentions, i have to redo it.

That’s why i’m taking so long, and as a further explanation to all the people who have not asked the question ( i know you will and am preparing for that eventuality.) A second reason is i have applied to a few UK unis, and none of them will accept me without seeing a portfolio. As Strathclyde is the only university with guaranteed entry to 3rd year (after seeing the portfolio) and the rest will only say they’ll look at your portfolio, i somehow have to produce a rather acceptable portfolio (i.e- well made) within an impossible amount of time. Which results in post-semester stress because i don’t have the 3 months i’d rather have to do it…. but like, 2 weeks… and my energy is all spent so there’s no way in hell i can put in semester-type hours………..

There you see, my portfolio problem explained succintly. Now people should stop asking me questions. By the way, it was rather late in coming (like 3 years too late), but now i do have a certain quality control and expectations to my own work. By that i mean I’ve finally realised that other people other then my lecturers are going to see it :p hehe.. and my (future) architect’s ego is kicking in. I am painfully aware of the standard of quality and the many flaws in my work, but i refuse for it to be flawed further than it absolutely has to be…. (if not i will be bothering people with “what if” questions and i’m sure nobody wants that, least of all me..)

and i have lots to learn lah, how to learn if i don’t try? blah…..

I’m starting to have a mantra for when lonely hours set in and the stress kicks in. It goes something like :nostressnostressnostressnostressnostressnostressnostress DON’T be stress and then i go off to surf the net for the rest of the night and go to sleep in the morning. No wonder i’m so slow.

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my good knee hurts because too much load is being borne by it. my bad knee hurts because the kneecap hurts because i have to keep it perpetually in 90 degrees but it’s getting better! both knees hurt because instead of resting as i am supposed to i walking around all over the house beinding this and lifting that and searching for this and finding that.

Damn, i thought all this ended at 4th june. WHy am i still so busy? wow; i’ve been stressed out for almost 6 consecutive months! damn you stupid portfolio! damn you studio 2!

i dread to wonder what will happen in 10 years if life goes on similiarly.


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another post follows immediately- i am in the mood today.

the past 3 years has changed me – 3 years- as long as eternity can be, eh? fresh out of high school – i was prepared – prepared to have the time of my life. i was calm, confident, and most importantly, relaxed.

now i’m nervous,  jumpy, i do not understand my capabilities anymore, and have a chronic fear of stress. I mean, i’m really scared of that. I’m turning into the exact kind of people i was anaethema to 3 years ago.

Who’s holding the rudder of my life, eh? who’s controlling it?

Who’s the puppetmaster?

I hide most of me under a veneer of smiles and flashes of old attitudes but inside; its festering. I calm myself with a protective canopy of lies and hallucinations about the future, as near as tomorrow, as distant as decades apart. I soothe myself with fading truths. Pretty soon, i won’t be able to sift fact from fiction.

Am i growing up? Is this part of discovering myself? or am i hopelessly swayed off-course already? i need guidance and convincing, but that is an astute declaration of my weaknesses. Or is it? admitting your weaknesses- that’s a sign of strength, isn’t it?

or is it not?

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Shouting at the wall

Wouldn’t it be nice to be a hermit? Then i wouldn’t have to care about anybody. Wouldn’t that be naive and childish thinking? yes but it is also highly appealing. Wouldn’t that be running away from all your problems? Yes, but Sun Tzu says running away is a very effective battle strategy. And aren’t we fighting personal battles everyday? People say running away from your problems doesn’t solve anything. I say not running away doesn’t necessarily mean you solve anything. People say running away is a sign of weakness and cowardiance. I say being standing stubbornly is stupid. And who’s to define what is or what is not running away? Why am i talking about running away anyway?We live in a world of billions and everyone has his or her own bloody opinion which may or may not matter. Why does yours have any precedence and should be considered correct? Because you ventured yours while i kept my own counsel? Why is silence taken as a sign of guilt? Because “oh if you were innocent you would have fought to defend yourself”?

Did it occur to you that not everyone gives a damn?

That not everyone has time for such petty things.

That sometimes, life should be governed by decisions made from the brain and not from the heart.

The funniest thing is, i don’t know if these words are meant for you, for others, or for me.

Maybe both of us, and others besides.

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