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Archive for May, 2007

Autopilot

Time grows short, and frequency of panic attacks are increasing, i guess, for some of the finalists –

It’s not so much unable to finish – it’s nothing about college anymore – but i guess it affects highly on your self-esteem.

4-ish am is the time of the daily break where Charlie will make the long trek down to meet me and we will invariably head to whereever that’s still open where we will disucss progress, tehcniques, tricks, and gorge ourselves. we will then head back where, despite our best efforts to stay awake we will fall asleep around 6 due to all the digesting going on..

somehow; any nap that lasts more then an hour, and i’ll start having nightmares about my work, and inevitably fall into the same dream – with the “event” reflecting my current work progress – i’ll be in the studio, and somehow my work’s shortcomings are terribly obvious, and everyone is giving me tips on how to finish it, and i’ll be there, trying to absorb everyone’s words but everyone is talking over each other and it just makes me confused, then i retreat somewhere to think on it and once i reach a quiet place and evaluate my progress and plan the next step and then i’ll jolt awake automatically – never later then 8am and then i shower and head towards my computer for another long day and practically continue from my dream.

It’s like my mind works on autopilot, and i’ve got my own built-in alarm clock!

mind-boggling (literally) mysteries of the body aside, my progress is still slow and i still dont know if i can finish satisfactorily on time.

all right blog break over

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Inspiration

Oh boy.

Sometimes things bog you down, sometimes burdens you carry become unbearable and you drop to the bottom of a deep, deep well of despair.

And then something comes along and helps you out.

Sometimes, other people’s enthusiasm and seemingly boundless energy is infectious and just rubs of you. As late as this evening, I was ready to give in, throw in the towel, and all that – but a few things happened during the night that raised my morale and now i am ready to give it another go.. not COME GET SOME kinda spirit (they dont last long), but rather quiet strength and fortitude that i hope is able to see me through the next 6 days of no sleep*……… First was as aforementioned – geting all those good vibes and positive enthusiasm rubbed off you – the fresh pursuit of dreams and having a vision – no jaded cynicism allowed –

3 hours in starbucks and then later a mamak with my lecturer also helped – when you have a lecturer that is willing to go out of the way and spend 3 midnite hours – from 10:30 to 1:30 – talking to you – it seems rather pathetic to give up before the fight is even half over.

I have no guarantees that i’ll be able to finish satisfactorily, what with the amount of changes needed and the fact that i make turtles look like f1 cars and snails look like rockets, but heck, here comes my best shot….. wish me luck!

* please, it is likely impossible to last truly without sleep. my definition includes hourly naps, once or twice a day.

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whine

“do it for the pride” they said. “Its for your own benefit”, they said

well my pride wants to fucking go to sleep and my shoulder hurts like mad from all this benefit.

damn competition sucks!!!! sketchup sucks!!!! it’s easy to use and fast, but at the same time its so freaking anal. If sketchup was a guy i’d  have ground his nuts into dust by now.

sometimes i just love to whine.

Huh.. you know something is wrong with your lifestyle when your friend in UK goes to sleep earlier then you do. and wakes up after you do.

kopi o tastes like shitwater.

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Wall hanging

i’m not really supposed to post, but what the heck, i need to update more in a (probably futile) attempt to get back some readers because it’s going to be really pathetic if this blog dies down before i even go ahead with the dumb domain plan that somehow got stalled because Majestic Hotel and the dumb Integrated Project took over my life.

Its 7am, and it feels perfectly normal.. i am not only nocturnal, i am..round the clock; almost every day, i see my family wake up and prepare for the day, i see them head off to school/work, i see them come back and have dinner, i see them hang out in the living room, i see them doze off and head off to bed, and after that i see over the empty house till they wake up again..

i feel like i’m some bloody wall hanging or something.

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Meaningless

readership of this blog have dropped and dropped and dropped since i stopped updating regularly… sobs

well its to be expected, i hope to start updating regularly again starting now, so yeah.. one can only hope. My official “break” ends today, back to marathon session for 7 days until i’m done with SBC….

STARCRAFT II

omg can’t wait. starcraft was the game that introduced me to the world of multiplayer gaming. Starcraft was the game that practically dragged me head first into the addictive world of computer gaming. Before that i was playing lame-ass games that i can’t remember the names of. Starcraft is practically 10 years old.  So the point of it all is actually

i’m so damn old.

STILL, STARCRAFT II! come out faster please. saw the trailers on monday, they were really cool. and yeah, Hell it’s about time…………

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I swear… that i will never repeat that again.

Thanks to everyone who helped me to pull through the ending weeks of the semester which were probably the most frazzled weeks i’ve ever faced in my life.. never mind the weeks of not sleeping, never mind the hours spent wandering around in endless states of confusion, searching for the missing link..  the worst ever was the acute feeling of stress. I realised i didn’t know the meaning of stress till that particular few days, no, not that concentrated, near-physical, almost tangible feeling of a million ice pricks stabbing your heart and an exploding bomb over your head. It was so near i could smell it, so heavy i collapsed under it, so thick i choked on it, so, so close i could feel it pressing down on me, drawing my strength and my motivation, digging the last traces of semangat from the depths of my soul. Never before i felt so worried and depressed.. never before my nerves were so shot.. and hopefully never again.

On hindsight, i’ve grown to recognize that it wasn’t the fear of failing, or the fear or repeating that was the hardest to overcome; i’ve come to realize that whatever embarassment or shame i might face are just, well, sticks and stones. It was not the fear of reproach, not the fear of peer alienation – it was the fear of not knowing who i am anymore and what i represented. Failing had -never- been an issue to me, never, and the sudden knowledge of my educational mortality, together with the sheer scale of mistakes i’ve made in gauging myself – almost caused me to break down. Somehow, due to the extremely appreciated combined help of family, friends and special people in my life – i managed to scrape through.

I know it sounds a litle melodramatic (oi, its just college, its just a semester, its just a fucking SUBJECT, CHILL LAH, tiu!!) but somehow.. people who know me know i’m not the type who’d blow away thousands of freaking dollars of tuition fees just for freaking nuts, unlike some of the people around ahem ahem, and i guess i’ve never even thought about failing, especially after last semester’s (unfounded) scare, and this suddenawakening and radical paradigm shift has caused me to realise how far i have overextended myself and my capabilities and had caused me to reexamine many of my core values and principles and skills.

and seriously, architecture is a course for nuts. to quote:

Ashwin: what advice do you have for fresh architecture students?
Mr Alvin: quit

With barely 2 days of rest, and not even that because i spent half the night up watching the Champions League match which was soooo boring, uninspired and dispirited (to me anyway), i’m back to the grindstone tomorrow – me and 9 others have been selected as the finalists for the SBC design competition and i’ve no idea to be happy or sad. Honestly, i’m really undecided on my emotions on this one. I’m sure everyone’s like – WOW competition! good for exposure and publicity and portfolio blah blah blah and yes i gotta agreee, the certificiate of appreciation is going to be somethin that’s really helpful, and of course the 10k prize money to whoever that gets it (likely not me), i can’t help but feel….. I’M DAMN SICK OF IT ALREADY LAH

i don’t thnk i can find the energy to last another 10 days of work.

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update

just a short update to readers:

i’m done with the semester, but the semester ain’t done with me – 4 days to upgrade my work (to me its not upgrade but finishing), portfolio preparation (yeah talked about that since january), uni applications, blah blah blah

yeah life sucks.

c ya soon, in about a week

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